The Madness Within
by katkin
Summary: Title change, the other was pants! PreOotP Lupin wants to help save the man who was once his friend. Is Sirius too far gone? Dark fic!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I wrote this a while ago, and have only just come across it in my files. Set pre-OotP... AU-ish. This fic is rather disturbing and distressing. If you are easily upset then please do not read this. It is a 2-part stort and I am posting the two halves together. Please let me know what you think at the end. Thank you.

Disclaimer: The world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling.

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Part 1

It was a muggy summer evening and the air promised heavy rain. Remus Lupin stood outside Number 12 Grimmauld Place with Albus Dumbledore, watching as the old manor house appeared in front of them. A rumble of thunder could be heard, far off into the distance as the two wizards climbed the dry stone steps to the front door. Dumbledore opened the door without the use of a key or his wand, and indicated with an arm for his younger friend to enter. He did so and was followed by the Headmaster. Once inside, Dumbledore turned to speak, his voice was low.

"You have been here before Remus." It wasn't a question. Lupin simply nodded and followed the man across the entrance hall.

"Will the Order be assembled tonight, Sir?" he enquired, keeping his own voice down to match the elder's. The grey man shook his head.

"No, we are to meet tomorrow evening. Though I dare say there will be somebody about."

The house smelt old and inhabited. It was poorly lit, and the grimy windows let in little light, due to the black clouds that had suddenly rolled in; The beginnings of a storm. Dumbledore pushed opened another door, whichrevealed some wooden steps. They led to a basement kitchen, made mainly of stone. The room was cold, even for July, and a fire roared to one side. Remus noticed as he descended the stairs, that two people sat opposite each other at the large wooden table in the centre of the room. Both heads rose to acknowledge the new arrivals. The wizard, a black man with a golden earring that shimmered in the firelight, spoke first. His voice was deep and rumbling. It echoed against the walls of stone.

"Good evening Professor Dumbledore," he addressed the man. Dumbledore nodded.

"Good evening Kingsley. Remus this is Kingsley Shacklebolt. Kingsley, Remus Lupin."

The other person in attendance, a young girl with bright pink spiky hair, looked up upon hearing the name. The two men shook hands briefly.

"And this is Dora Tonks," Dumbledore nodded to the witch. Remus guessed that she was very young, around Harry's age. And yet in front of her sat parchment marked with the Ministry of Magic emblem. On second glance she seemed to be older than he had first thought. Her skin was ghostly pale, and her dark eyes were lined with shadows of fatigue.

"Remus is–" Dumbledore began but the witch cut him off.

"I know who he is," she said curtly and Dumbledore nodded his apology.

"Of course you do."

Remus frowned, trying hard to think why the girl would know him. He shrugged it off as Dumbledore began to speak once more.

"Perhaps then you could take Remus upstairs to see him," the wizard was saying. By _him_, he must mean Sirius, Remus mused. The young witch faltered and glanced towards her partner.

"With respect Sir," Kingsley spoke up. "He's only just settled."

"He will want to see Remus, I'm sure," Dumbledore pressed. Silence fell. The two Auror locked stares, unspoken words passing between them. The girl's shoulders fell, and she placed both small hands onto the table as she pushed herself up.

"I will go," she said simply and, without regarding Dumbledore or Lupin, she made her way to the stairs. Lupin began to follow.

"Be careful," Kingsley called after her, sending a chill up the man's spine.

The pair walked silently up several flights of stairs. The corridors were dark, as they had few windows, and Remus was already beginning to feel claustrophobic. _It's almost like a prison_, he thought, _A_ _different one_. The walls were peeling and dappled with mould. Cobwebs hung high above them and the floorboards creaked uneasily as they moved on.

"He is my cousin," she explained from nowhere, and Lupin nodded, finally realising where he had previously heard the name. "He's not well. He's not well at all," she added in a mumble. Remus didn't reply.

When they had reached what Lupin guessed to be the top floor, the witch stopped and stared at the door at the end of the long hallway.

"Stay by the door, in the shadows where he can't see you," she told him, though she did not look his way. "I'm not sure how he will react to you." Her tone was cautious and Remus could only nod. He swallowed, realising that his mouth and throat were dry. From the mildew or from nervous apprehension?

The girl, Dora, opened the door slowly and held out a hand behind her to indicate that the man should stop. He obeyed.

The room was bare, save for a single wooden bed,with greying sheets, and awooden chest.Tattered curtains hung limply from the filthy windows. The room was dark and still. A sudden voice came from the far corner.

"Is that you Annabelle?" It was a male voice, Sirius' voice, and yet not so. Tonks took a deep breath and entered the room.

"Yes," she replied softly. Sirius stepped out from the shadows in the corner. Lupin watched the pair intently.

"You're late," he snapped with a scowl.

"Am I?" she whispered. The man huffed and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Don't play games with me, girl. You know you are! Where's my drink? Did you fetch my drink?" he asked her sharply. Tonks shook her head. "I didn't think you would." He gave a bitter laugh.

"What did you order, Sir?" she asked quietly.

"It doesn't matter now!" he spat at her. His head twitched slightly a couple of times. His grimace fell and his face became expressionless. He looked to the floor and gave a quiet sob. Looking back up, he grinned at his cousin.

"Hey," he whispered.

"Hey," she replied, her voice cracking slightly. Sirius rose from the bed and crossed to her, taking her head in his hands and pulling her in to a passionate kiss. Dora did not respond. Remus frowned, unsure of what was happening. The man pulled away from his cousin, licking his lips.

"Don't do that," she murmured. He ignored her, moving back to the bed and lying down in a foetal position.

"Dumbledore spoke to me today," he said, bringing his knees to his chest with his arms. He began to rock slightly.

"Yeah? He's here now," Tonks admitted quietly. The rocking stopped.

"Then why hasn't he come to see me yet? He promised he would," Sirius shouted angrily. Tonks crossed to him, and perched on the edge of the bed. She began to stroke his long dark curls affectionately.

"Shh."

"They're talking about me, Dora," he whispered, using her name for the first time.

"Who?"

"Everyone." He began to shake again. "They're doing it now, do you here?" He put a hand on her wrist, squeezing it tightly. The witch winced slightly in pain.

"Sirius, let go," she said calmly but his grip remained. Remus moved from the door slightly in alarm. Tonks turned to him.

"What?" Sirius asked immediately. "You hear them too? Don't you? They're saying I'm crazy Dora, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy!" he rambled, squeezing her wrist once more and causing her to give a yelp of pain.

"I know, I know," she squealed. Remus stepped into the room now.

"Remus don't," she insisted and the man stopped. Sirius' eyes snapped up to hers. They were hollow, and grey. Had they once been blue? Tonks did not know.

"Don't say that name," he said coldly and Tonks frowned. "Don't say his name. Not here, and not in front of me, do you hear? He's dead Dora, he's dead." Tonks' frown deepened.

"Sirius, Remus isn't dead. He's right here, see?" She indicated to his old friend with her head. Sirius looked confused.

"Oh, and I suppose he brought James with him, did he?" he asked mildly, his eyes shimmering with tears.

"…No," Tonks mumbled.

"No of course he didn't!" Sirius snapped, kicking out at the witch so that she fell off the bed. She remained on the floor. "Remus is dead, Dora. James killed him." He began tocry and threw his face into his pillow. Remus moved forward and placed a hand on Dora's shoulder. He was alarmed to see his friend this way. He had known of Sirius' demise, however he hadn't imagined that he would be this different. Perhaps he could not do anything to save him after all; perhaps he was too far gone.

"Sirius," he ventured softly. Dora looked up, alarmed. Sirius' sobs increased and he covered his ears with his pillow.

"If I don't hear you, you aren't here," he cried, screwing his face up in torment. Remus took a step back. Tonks reached for one of Sirius' hands and stroked it soothingly.

"You can't be here. James killed you, I saw him, and then Peter, and then himself. Why not me? Was I not good enough to die with?" he wailed, his bed trembling with the force of his grief.

"Sirius, James didn't kill Remus," Tonks told him. The sobs ended abruptly but the tears continued to fall. His face portrayed a heartache that Tonks could not comprehend. He looked deeply into her eyes, so much brighter than his own.

"That's right, I did," he whispered. Tonks shook her head desperately but Sirius nodded. "Yes, I killed him. I remember now. And then Peter, and then James, and then myself. Yes, that's how it went. I remember now," he rambled.

"Sirius, you didn't kill anybody," Tonks stressed. How true her words were, Lupin thought. Locked away, an innocent man, for twelve years in hell, in a place worse than death itself. At least death would be an escape. Helookedat her and then screamed incoherently in her face. The girl blinked. For the first time since they had entered the room, Remus noticed that she was frightened.

"I didn't kill anybody," he shouted, echoing her words. And then he hit her hard with the back of his hand, making her stumble to the floor.

"You killed him! You killed them all you traitorous little slut!" he spat. Tonks fought hard not to cry. Her lip had been split and her right eye was extremely tender. Remus moved forwards once more, helping the young woman from the floor.

"Filthy little freak, what are you doing in my house anyway? Get out, and don't come back."

Tonks shuddered a breath. Sirius closed his eyes and went very still. When he opened them again, he looked shocked and sat up quickly.

"Dora, you're bleeding," he exclaimed, pulling her close to him.

"I'm ok," she whimpered. She moved her cousin slightly and he began to settle back down onto the bed. "Sleep now," she whispered.

"I am asleep. You're not here. He's not here," he pointed at Lupin, acknowledging him for the first time. Tonks looked down at him sadly. Sirius reached up and stroked her bruised face.

"Andromeda?" he frowned. Tonks shook her head. "Yes," he laughed. Tonks' lip began to tremble. She crinkled her face slightly, and her hair fell to dark waves to the shoulders. Lupin hoped she couldn't see his surprised reaction; he hadn't realised she was a Metamorphmagus.

"Ok," Dora whispered and Sirius smiled before closing his eyes. Tonks lay a light kiss on his forehead before rising and crossing the room. She took Remus' forearm as she passed him, and led him out also. Once the door was shut, Dora began to breathe quickly, almost as if she were having a panic attack. Remus stroked her back. She wiped her face with her palms as tears began to fall.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed. "It's just…that's the worst I've seen him in a long time. He's never hit me before." Her face was still throbbing from the contact of his hand. She looked up into the man's pale eyes, her own full of sorrow and regret.

"I'm sorry Remus, you're friend is gone." She left his side quickly, running down the corridor and leaving him alone in the darkness.

End of Part 1


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

It was late evening and Remus once again found himself on the highest corridor in the Black manor. After Sirius' terrifying outburst earlier that evening he wanted to see if the man had calmed down; if there was anything left of the man he had once known.

Taking a deep foreboding breath, he entered the dark room to find Sirius perched on the edge of his bed. The man looked up with his empty grey eyes and gave a chuckle. Remus was reluctant to close the door but did so anyway.

"Well, well. Mr Moony. Dumbledore said you'd be paying me a visit. I didn't quite believe the old fool," he said with a lop-sided grin. It almost broke Remus' heart to see it.

"I'm here Padfoot," he replied simply and embraced his friend as he moved to him. The broken man gave a small gasp of emotion into his friend's shoulder. Lupin held him tightly, stroking his back.

"I have to get out of this place, Remus. It's killing me. People are talking. They say I'm losing it. They're going to take Harry from me, and I'm terrified. They can't do that Remus, I'm his father he needs me." The man was trembling as Lupin lowered him back down onto the bed. Remus joined him.

"I hit Dora, earlier. Did she tell you?" he murmured. Remus frowned. Did he not remember that he had been there? Apparently not. Deciding not to mention it, Remus simply nodded. Sirius gave a moan of despair and then fell quiet. Remus watched his friend closely; his twitching face, his ragged breathing, his nervous eye movements and fidgeting hands. He suddenly looked up, startling Remus.

"Did you see James today?" he asked with a grin. His eyes were bright, well as bright as Remus thought they could be. Deciding to play it safe, Lupin answered with a simple,

"No."

Sirius rocked slightly, rubbing his arms rapidly, as if he were suddenly chilly.

"Remus, you have to get me out of here," he breathed. "If we're careful, the Dementors won't see us. James promised me he'd bring his cloak, just in case. He said it probably wouldn't work but it would be worth a shot…looks like he's forgotten about me," Sirius said sadly, looking to the floor. "But I still have you, don't I Remus? Don't I?"

"Of course you do," the other man insisted.

Sirius looked at him, unblinking and then moved forwards to kissed his friend roughly on the lips. Remus was startled but Sirius pulled away before he could react.

"You have to stop doing that," Remus muttered to him and Sirius chuckled lightly.

"I want you," Sirius told him. Remus could feel himself getting agitated.

"Sirius–" he began warningly.

"Remus you told me you'd help me escape! Or were you lying too?" he said suspiciously. Before Remus could reply Sirius jumped up. "I knew it, I knew you wouldn't have the guts! James didn't, Peter didn't and neither do you. I'm going to die in here Remus and it's all you're fault." The man threw himself onto the floor and began to cry softly to himself. "Where's Harry? He should be here," the man sniffed into his arms. Remus left the bed and crouched before the weeping man. He put his arms around him once more and Sirius cried into his chest.

"Help me Remus, please," he breathed.

"I will," Lupin replied, hoping with all his soul that he could. It was some relief to see that Sirius had calmed down since his previous visit. If Lupin could get through to the man inside of this manic shell…hopefully he would gain his friend back.

Remus heaved the grieving Sirius back up onto the bed and stroked his hair out of his damp eyes.

"Shh, sleep. I'll be back in the morning." Remus moved to rise, and Sirius clamped his hand onto the man's wrist with surprising strength. Now he knew how Dora must have felt.

"Please…don't leave me," he pleaded emotionally. Remus nodded and lay beside the man on the bed. Sirius nested his head into the man's shoulder. "Stay with me," he sighed. Remus stroked his arm in comfort. Sirius began to sob quietly to himself. "If you leave me in the night, I'll kill myself I swear I will," he hissed angrily in between shuddered breaths.

"I'm here Padfoot," Remus whispered as Sirius closed his eyes to sleep. "I'm not going anywhere." He kissed the troubled man on the temple before closing his eyes too, joining his friend in an uneasy sleep.

It was early morning when Sirius awoke. He felt sick and retched slightly as he sat up. The room was lighter, but still not bright. Sirius could see the dust falling through the ray of light that struggled to flitter its way into the room. The man ran his hands over his grubby face, feeling the stubble scratch his hands. Glancing over his shoulder to where he once lay, he saw that the other side of the bed was unkempt but empty. Sirius gave a groan of anguish. He kicked the bed hard, causing a jolt of pain to shoot right through his foot up to his ankle. Sirius hissed in agony but did it again.

"No, no, no, no," he mumbled as he paced the room, running his trembling hands through his untidy hair. "You promised me Remus! You promised!" he spat bitterly to the bed. His best friend had told him he'd help him. He said he'd be there when he had woken.

He promised.

Today would be the day when he could escape. He had been promised freedom and it had been snatched from him. James and Peter had let him down. And now Remus had betrayed him too. Sirius let out a sob as he rummaged through his chest of drawers. Finding his penknife, he took it in his trembling hands and flicked open the blade. Tears rolled heavily down the man's face as he saw his own reflection in the shiny metal. He was a broken man, past repair. Remus could have helped him; he knew it! But he had chosen not to. Sirius shuddered a breath and touched the cold blade to his wrist. He rested it there for a moment, before swiping it across his skin viciously. He let out a howl of pain, but found comfort in the fact that he bled. Red blood…not Black. The flowing crimson was proof enough; he was not a dead man…yet.

Sirius sniffed angrily and exchanged the knife into his left hand. The wrist throbbed to do so, but Sirius thrived on the pain. Bringing the sharp edge to his flesh once more, he gave a dry laugh.

"This one's for you Remus. You bastard!" he hissed before slashing at his skin once more. He groaned and dropped the knife before sliding his back down the wall and curling up into a heap in the corner. A broken man…he could have been saved. It was too late for him now. This was the only escape he was capable of alone.

The smell of blood awoke Remus Lupin. It was metallic and he could almost taste it as he licked his sleep-dry lips and gave a swallow. Sitting up quickly, he glanced around the room in panic. There, in the far corner, he saw a slumped Sirius. The man was deathly white and the floor around him shimmered liquid red. Remus flung himself from the bed, without standing, and crawled across the room to his suffering friend.

"Sirius? SIRIUS!" he shouted, shaking his friend fiercely by the shoulders. The man's grey eyes flickered open. It seemed like it took him a great deal of energy to do so.

"Remus…where were you?" he whispered, wanting to sound angry but not having the strength to do so. "You…promised you wouldn't leave me." A single tear fell down his ashen cheeks. Remus was looking frantic. He grabbed a pillow, removed its case and ripped it into strips to tie around the lacerated wrists. "You promised."

"Sirius, I haven't been anywhere. I was asleep next to you the whole time," the other man insisted, as he tried desperately to stop the blood flow. He was kneeling in the warm substance now, and it soaked up his trousers. Sirius was frowning at the concerned expression on Lupin's face. Realisation seemed to hit him full on.

"Oh," was all he managed before unconsciousness took him once more. Remus scrambled to his feet, slipping on the floor as he ran to the door. He yanked it open and left bloody marks down its worn paintwork and dripping from the doorknob.

Remus ran down the corridor, tripping where the carpet was worn. His breath burned in his chest, from the sprint and from the panic that had consumed him. Once at the top of the stairs, he stopped to take a deep breath before shouting as loud as he could.

"I NEED HELP UP HERE!" he bellowed. Hearing doors open immediately, and the sound of feet, Lupin turned and ran back to his friend.

As he entered the room once more, he noticed that the strips of bed linen were already sodden with the unstoppable blood flow. Remus let out a cry as he fell back to his friends side.

"Sirius, please don't do this. Please," he whispered desperately, stroking his friend's dark hair away from his pale face. The unconscious man reacted to his touch, but his eyes remained closed.

The door banged open, making Lupin jump. Tonks entered quickly; followed by an elder man…he was familiar to Lupin though he was in no fit state to recall a name. Tonks let out a heart wrenching scream and fell to her knees beside her cousin.

"No, no, no!" she cried as she took the man's bloody hands. Sirius' eyes flickered open upon hearing her. He attempted a smile, and then brought his dripping hand up to her black eye.

"I'm so sorry, Dora," he croaked. "I'm sorry." His blood stained her beautifully smooth cheek. She shook her head.

"It's ok. You're going to be fine," she said shakily. Turning to her companion she said, "Moody, we have to get him to St Mungo's." _Moody, that's his name_, Remus thought and then waited anxiously for a response.

"They won't treat him Tonks…he's Sirius Black."

"I know who he is!" she snapped, her chest heaving uncontrollably.

Sirius was struggling to keep his eyes open. His eyelids felt incredibly heavy.

"Dora," he wheezed and she moved closer to him, her tears dripping off her bloodstained face and landing onto his slashed arm. "Dora, I didn't kill them. I want you to know…to remember…I didn't…" he trailed off, closing his eyes and Tonks gave an unbearable wail of sorrow. Moody dragged her up from the floor and held her as she wept.

"Remus," Sirius breathed. "Thank you for saving me. I knew you would...I'm so sorry, Remus," his voice cracked as he saw the look of anguish on Lupin's face. Sirius tried to swallow and fail. He rasped a final breath. "I'm free now," he told his eternal friend before closing his hollow eyes for one last time.

Silence fell for a beat, though it felt like a lifetime.

Remus began to howl as he grabbed his friend's body, pulling it close and rocking it in utmost grief. He had wanted to free Sirius…but not like this. Raw emotion poured out of him, as he remained sprawled on the hard floor, drenched in his friend's blood. Tears mingled with the scarlet liquid as Remus held him tight, and tighter still.

He had failed him. The broken man had pleaded for escape…for freedom…for a life… and the only way he had achieved it was with his death. A broken man … past repair.

End.


End file.
